Friday. A Day of Prayer and Rememberance. The shock has worn away, and the tears are flowing freely. Words are not adequate to express the tragedy and travesty. Personally, my emotions are very raw; I feel as if I could break into tears at any moment. I haven't been able to sleep well for days. My heart breaks everytime I see a flyer looking for someone that is most likely dead. Pain and loss have become a way of life for over 5000 families in this country, and for everyone else, we are left with pain, anger and more pain. I think our way of life, our sense of security and ease of travel will never ever be the same. I mourn and pray for these things, and pray for the future of this country. God Bless America. Please.

In times of trial, I have to admit that I spend much of my free time attached to a television, watching the various news channels. Here's my impression of the various news outlets, and how I think they've served me, and helped me stay informed during these horrible hijacking and bombings. I've always been a big fan of MSNBC, every since they signed on. Brian Williams kinda freaks me out with his orange makeup and white circles under his eyes [tanning bed victim? perhaps], but all and all, they seem to do a good job delivering balanced and fair reporting. Then again, I prefer my local NBC affiliate's news team so I usually watch NBC Nightly News, so I may be used to that voice. CNN of course has proven that they have the resources to report from mulitiple fronts and can get pundits on the phone better than anyone I know of. They are the old standby, but they no longer stand alone on the cable dial, even basic cable. And I think that MSNBC gave them a run for their money. Some of the 'off the beaten path' news channels, which are part of my digital lineup, also did a pretty good job. We have a channel called International Newsfirst, which has basically been a feed of CNC, the Canadian News Channel. It has been interesting to watch them because they seem to show more of a world reaction to this. The covered the people who were diverted to Canada when we put a ground freeze on all of our airports. They had many thoughtful stories on the border crossings between Canada and the United States, and I really enjoyed them referring to us as "South of the Border." Similarly, it was MOST interesting to watch the BBC on BBC America. I always enjoy the BBC News. I consider it be the foremost news organization in the world. Unfortunately, just a few hours later, BBC America went back to showing their usual programming, and I didn't have the BBC anymore, though C-SPAN showed Breakfast, the BBC's morning show (much like NBC's TODAY show, without the obnoxious Americans waving in the background). I literally wish I could watch Breakfast every day, disaster or not. Here in Texas, we have a channel called TXCN, the Texas Cable News Network. They basically showed the CNN feed, while they broke every ten minutes to tell us how this affecting Texas. (Kind of an interesting viewpoint, and it makes sense if you, like myself, have lived here in Texas for any length of time.) About midday yesterday, my cable system in San Antonio added a channel called New York 1, which is a local news channel carried on Time Warner Cable in New York City. This has been heartbreaking to watch, because they are spending a lot of time showing people wandering the streets, looking for people that everyone pretty much knows is dead. Heartbreaking. This channel has made the tragedy real to me. It has been said that the Gulf War was the first war that was broadcast live on TV. Television news has changed the way we see the world, and I'm glad for it. I have over ten channels commited to the news right now. I keep watching, but I still wish I didn't have to.

The period of life where I wanna "rock and roll all night, and party everyday" is SO over. I'm not saying I'm opposed to going out and drinking, I'm just saying it's going to be few and far between for me. Special occasion kinda stuff, and I'm not talking about the "I-spell-checked-this-document,-and-it-was-perfect-when-I-typed-it" kinda special occasions. As recently as three years ago, I didn't think it was unusual to stay up all night partying. I could hang with the best of them, just ask anyone who knew me: I was a LOT of fun to hang with. I still am, but I don't drink to excess anymore. The past few times I've gone to a bar, I haven't drank at all. Whether I'm driving or not, I just don't like the feeling of being out of control. I have spent a LOT of money in therapy getting my wits about me and clarifying my thoughts, so why cloud them. I LOVE the lucidity that I have gained by being mentally healthy. I don't want to lose that, even for a few hours. Party folk might think this kinda boring, and they are right. I LOVE a night on the town, but I'll take boring over not knowing how I'm going to get home, because I'm too drunk to drive. That's excitement I can live without. I find when I DO go to bars to meet friends, etc, I either don't drink alcohol at all, or I drink VERY sparingly. As for illegal drugs, FORGET IT. Sudafed messes up my sleep for two days when I take it, I can only imagine what cocaine or meth or E, or whatever would do to me. I never really took drugs (rare for a person with my particular brand of mental illness... we tend to self-medicate) but I gotta say that there is NO way I would consider it now. All and all, it's not as bad as I used to think it would be. I'm just happy to have my wits about me, and able to take care of myself if I need to.