There is a pair of panties in the street in front of my house. Just so you know, I live a in a great neighborhood. It is a mixture of empty nesters and young families, all homeowners. My whole subdivision is like that. To my knowledge, there is nothing exciting that happens here. It's a boring old suburb. But this morning, I woke up, looked outside, and there is a pair of panties on the street in front of my house. I'm curious, of course as to the situation that led up to the fact that there is a pair of panties on the street in front of my house, so I'm going to investigate. By "investigate," I mean "make up a story and post it here on my website about how there is a pair of panties on the street in front of my house." I'm damn sure not gonna TOUCH them or anything. Eww. Eww. EWWWW! I'm suspecting that my nosy-ass neighbor's skanky teenage granddaughter has something to do with it. She seems to be dropped off by testosterone-laden teenagers in Mustangs all the time. I imagine that it was a "heat of the moment" kinda thing. I don't know. All I know is that there is pair of panties on the street in front of my house. So, I'm not sure how they got there. I'll try not to lose too much sleep over it, but now I'm faced with a dilemma: who is in charge of removal? Is there a number at city hall that I may dial and tell them there is a pair of panties on the street in front of my house? I've looked in the blue pages... no such luck... apparently, I can have roadkill removed, but panties... those are MY problem, buddy! Why do I even pay taxes, I ask you? I really don't want to move them, but I don't want them to stay there, either, so outside I go, with a Ziploc baggie. I'm not sure WHY I picked up a baggie, but I've found in this life, if it's a confusing, scary situation, it always helps to have a Ziploc around.... so I have the Ziploc, and decide if I turn it inside-out and put my hand inside it, I can pick up the panties, and can seal them, and throw them away. So I began walking toward the pair of panties in the street in front of my house. WHOA. As I got nearer, I discovered that whomever these panties belonged to had either a severe problem, or one HELL of a night. I won't be very specific, but I WILL say that whoever left the pair of panties in the street in front of my house left a CONSIDERABLE amount of DNA on them. I keep wondering if it's a Halloween prank or something, but as I told you, I think it was that hussy that lives next door with her nosy grandfather. SO... to sum it up... I'm standing in the street holding a baggie, confused about what to do, feeling dirty, and I'm not sure if I've mentioned this, but there is a pair of panties in the street in front of my house. I finally got them up. The operation required two plastic forks and a very large, stand up Ziploc baggie. They were gross. I hope whomever they belonged to got a good shower. I think she (HE?!) needed it. I’m keeping my eye on the hussy. I hope I never have to do that again. I still feel dirty.